I’m pretty sure I’ve reflected on this a few times in the past. I know I reflect on it in my head all the time. This week I want to lay out some thoughts on how my stupid ego causes me to struggle and stress for no good reason.
This is definitely not just a problem for me, most people struggle with their ego to some degree. Even those who appear to be the most selfless on the surface are driven by their egos. I suppose the only real way to get away from it entirely is to become a monk and isolate yourself from the rest of the world. I certainly don’t want to do that, I like living in the world, as do most people. So, we all struggle.
Ego itself is a manifestation of self-esteem, basically how you see yourself. I think it’s safe to say that everyone wants to be recognized for succeeding in whatever they choose to do, whether it is external or internal recognition, and that builds up self-esteem. For better or worse, I am much more externally motivated, I rarely get satisfaction from doing something unless it is appreciated by others. The very reason I am writing these posts at all is because I desire that validation.
So what are the things that I wish to succeed at? What do I want others to appreciate me for? For me, two things were defined pretty early in my life and I haven’t deviated much from it. The first is that I always strive to be liked by everyone. The second is that I want to recognized for my creative endeavors. Let’s break down each of these.
When I say that I want to be liked by everyone, that really does mean liked. Not loved, but liked, and certainly not disliked or hated. I’m sure that this stems from my early childhood where I got picked on a lot and I grew to have a fear of confrontation. To this day I don’t like arguing with people, and when I get hot under the collar it is because someone else is calling me out or yelling at me for whatever reason.
On the surface this doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Trying to get along with everyone is a respectable goal. But, in practice, the only real way to avoid confrontation is to be bland. I take everything in stride and I do nothing to rock the boat or sway the opinions of others. I come across as just another warm body in the room. The result is that instead of being someone that everyone likes, I am someone that everyone forgets about. And that’s where my stupid ego gets in trouble with itself because I want to be liked, not ignored. Yet I can’t bring myself to be more memorable because that necessitates being more open and potentially controversial. Ultimately, if I want to be liked I need to be okay with knowing that you can only be liked by some people if you are also disliked by others. It’s not a zero-sum game here, most people will probably like you, but at least one person is going to dislike or hate you, and I am trying to be okay with that.
This is not to say that I am completely forgettable. I have plenty of very close friends who like me and think about me all the time (I assume). They know that while I may not be the most opinionated person out there, I am certainly one of the most dependable, and the few insights I do express tend to be novel and accurate. But it does take a very long time with most people I meet to get that across. My stupid ego would probably prefer it if it took a little less time.
Between the two things I want to succeed at, the creative side is probably the more frustrating of the two. My stupid ego wants me to produce way more than I do, which is almost zero, but year after year passes by with little to show for it. There are three obvious reasons for this. One, going back to what I just talked about, I find it difficult to be motivated to do much because internally I feel that no one really cares about what I do. This stems from the feeling that most people find me forgettable. Two, I have a lot of interests and I have a lot of trouble picking with one and sticking with it long enough to actually produce something. Three, due to a combination of the first two points, I don’t prioritize doing creative things so I never make time to do them and nothing ever gets done.
On the first point, making something creative requires that you take a stand on something. And when you train yourself from an early age to not express opinions to avoid confrontations, it is hard to reverse that. So when I try to approach writing something, I ask myself why anyone else would read what I write. For the most part, I can’t come up with anything, which is why I rarely start on anything. I get an idea that I think could make a seed for a cool story and I work on it in my head, but I can’t think of what makes it worth someone’s time, so it just remains there in my head until I deem it otherwise. The positive is that over time the ideas do get better as I gain more experience and they reflect how I see the world now, but that doesn’t get them any closer to being in front of others. One of the reasons why I’m posting every week is to try to get more comfortable with producing half-baked ideas.
The second and third points might be harder to contend with. So many interests and never enough time to do them all. Prioritizing has never been my strong suit and it only got more difficult over time as I got more obligations and free time shrank. At any given time there are a dozen or more activities that I could do and be perfectly happy doing. Not only are there a bunch of options, but I need to decide how much time to devote to each. I can either try to get to them all and spend small amounts of time on each, or give more time to a few. These days I’m going with the latter, dedicating each evening to one activity so that I can focus and hopefully be more effective. Most people who do creative things for a living will tell you that you need to do it everyday to be effective, but I’ve tried to do that multiple times to little success. It tends to scatter my brain too much, I’m a lot better at giving something multiple hours and getting into a flow state. Whatever it takes to keep my stupid ego from being upset at not getting anywhere.
In the end, will I ever really be recognized for the things that I want? I certainly hope so. But I also need to come to terms with the idea that I may never get there, and my stupid ego is going to have to be okay with that.